will it hurt?

I can’t help myself, I love it, the attention when you say my name,

But now I can’t think of what to say next, what to write to you tonight,

My hair is a mess, and I can feel a little stress,

You say that you like those shows, do you have a favourite?

I could give you recommendations for other things,

but I don’t want to shove things down your throat, or do I?

A message from you was a real big surpise, I did not expect to hear from you,

We only spoke briefly and gave you my details,

You seemed nice when I patted your dog,

I liked sitting by the river under that tree,

With magpies dancing from branch to branch,

The sunlight shining through the leaves,

My warm skin under my skirt,

New love, will it hurt?

Hunger pains

Hunger pains, cold again, that sick morning feeling,

Did I leave a piece of me with you, is it growing like a plant seed,

Or was it never planted properly,

I am attracted to a burning flame, better if I don’t get to close,

It wont be only my fingers that feel the hot wax,

Online, all the time, searching for?

I puzzle myself, slow and steady,

Smile as I clean up the mess from the night before,

A comforting feeling, sitting alone,

A happy safe place and a quick fix,

What I don’t want, seems to be a longer list,

No ciggarets or children, please be thin, and friendly to beign,

I don’t care for geeky things,  a photo of you outdoors,

I need a grace period, a time to bleed all these bad presumtions out,

I will find that inner smile, even if it takes a while.

A walk at night

On this journey of life, another spiritual quest I took,

Little dog to look after as I wonder through the plains,

Head held high, warmed up and well stretched,

Good balance and a healthy back,

Heavy boots, but I can still feel the earth,

Breath in the air and smile at the trees,

The road bends and curves and I hug it tightly every inch,

My small dog breaths and pants, people and faces,

Fence lines and brick, blend and blur as I walk following a path,

On my spiritual journey, stepping back in time.

again again again

I wont ever see the same people again.

No need to wait or hold the door. What for?

I will not see these faces again.

I want to stay here happy in my own skin, not worried if our paths will cross again, because they wont.

Not with you not with anyone, and I can be myself  because if I be silly no one will know.

I can run jump, paint and draw, as I am only walking forward in this journey no time to stop for you.

Our paths may cross for reasons unintended.

A happy moment and a wave goodbye from me and my body.

I won’t ever see these same people again

Can’t we go back to page one and do it all over again? 

love blossoming between “just friends”,

I like thinking what could be,

lift my spirits up again and again,

not telling it all, but finding little bits about you,

I feel so loved when you write to me,

Nothing can hurt me,

except maybe you on the last page of this story.

letters unsent

I find good therapy for me and the best way to deal with a difficult time is to write a letter that I will not send. No one is hurt, and gives me time to reflect and heal.Is there answers from someone that you never got? Or is there something you wanted to get of your chest to someone but never did?

Dear T,

 

I am upset, I really liked you and felt you felt the same way.

that day and night we spent together. I could say I was not myself, and did not express the way I wanted to. Maybe I was as nervous as you were, but you just didn’t see it. I had a lot to say to you and ask you. but said the wrong things, wore clothing that I don’t normally wear. and was really timid.

I think the drive down and a few busy days before hand turned me into a passive zombie. Not really myself, something I would normally stay at home and hid way for a day to recover.

I would like to know,

did meeting me unvail the illusion?

I said to myself I would take sometime assess how I feel and write back to you in a few weeks with a clear head.

I thought you might write back, but you have not. So I thought I would send this email to clear things up for me. In that time I was able to reflect on myself. and no I cannot say after that first meeting I was happy where it was headed. Only because I had things I had not dealt with yet and needed time by myself to do so.

To say that you have made up your mind, had a good time but. I think the thing that bugged me was your email it was not a proper answer.

one of the sacriest things with getting to know someone knew is thinking can I be myself around them. If the answer is no, then why? and if the answer is still no. then they are not for you.

 

Your friend and always smiling,

 

Lily

 

Stuck with my dark thoughts

Fuck this life, life is shit, I just want it to end. Why am I even here? Is this some big joke? I hate how stupid I am, and all the dumb things that I do, everyone else has sorted things out, but I am here just doing  and achieving nothing, working towards another broken dream.

I don’t want to leave this room there is nothing out there for me, everything I had is not broken, and it is all my fault. I am just a worm, and needy ever so needy, why cant I be the person everyone things I should be. You get close and I just cant take it any more I just want it all to end.

Uncool

I don’t wear the right clothes,

I don’t say the right things,

I try to be friendly,

But my thoughts are all negative,

I want to be loved, get notes sent to me,

I look pretty on the outside but you keep your distance,

I have things to do, this is nothing new,

Try to not be clingy, but the things you do excite me,

I want to be around you

Clean up

I wake up and nothing feels right,

Am I wasting my time?

Am I getting anywhere,

I need to sort, keep myself busy,

Find out what is and what is not,

Clothes, art supplies, gifts, and the rest,

I have so many papers,  time gone by,

Finding all the things that I have half finished,

All those memories and exciting times,

I don’t know why I could not finish things,

Just an excited kid,

Maybe I am just a negative creep,

Maybe I am coming across as negative, so I apologies,

Should I be doing more,

Is what I am doing right?

Questions without answers flood my head,

Was it my fault, or just not my time,

A learning experience that hurt so bad,

Clean up, pack up,

All these memories have to go.

Crush/Crushed – Lyrics

(Chorus)

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

fine then, break my heart again

I didn’t match up to your ideals?  Unfortunately I am real

Whatever you choose I understand

Loved, Crush, crushed

 

(VERSE)

Lover I lover you like no other and I just want to say hey, you know how I feel

Well I hope you do, I share a piece of me with you, and

Each day I would like to say, love,

Love you are something I wanted to be, someone I wanted to know,

And again,again, lets go for a walk between the tall trees, and feel small,

Nature call, rant rant, say all I can, I want it all out, no stopping me now

 

(Chorus)

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

fine then, break my heart again

I didn’t match up to your ideals?  Unfortunately I am real

Whatever you choose I understand

Loved, Crush, crushed

 

(VERSE)

And now I am here again, I didn’t think it would hurt this hard,

but hey that’s what happens when you open your heart,

I need some time alone, without my cell phone, house days weeks,

With just me to think, And I tell you now,

I would like to think I learnt a think or two from you, and about me

(Chorus)

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

fine then, break my heart again

I didn’t match up to your ideals?  Unfortunately I am real

Whatever you choose I understand

Loved, Crush, crushed

 

(VERSE)

Its just nice to feel loved, I am sure I can manage without,

But where is the fun in that, I like to be caught up and crush hard,

Harder than I have ever felt before, build that feeling,

To fall I am willing, is love just a feeling?

 

(Chorus)

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

fine then, break my heart again

I didn’t match up to your ideals?  Unfortunately I am real

Whatever you choose I understand

Loved, Crush, crushed

Crush, crushed

Never ever enough

 

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

Love, I don ‘t want you to go,

stay, stay I wish it wasn’t so

 

fine then, break my heart again