The shambles that is my mind. (lyrics)

 

bits and pieces, flooding through time,

scattered like rain droplets,

flowing with me, flowing without me,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

 

I reach up and move down,

I sweat and breath, in a trance,

disheveled and open with wonder,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

 

I want to open it up, close it in,

Scared with nothing to declaire,

Plump I can feel the slumb,

I laugh, I laugh so hard, I lose an eye,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

in the shambles that is my mind,

out in the garden

I like to spend time out in my garden, mowing the laws, weeding the plants and playing with my dog. I feel I can think when I am out there, I can breath, and also I feel as though whatever was bothering me seem to shrink.

Out there between to ferns,

I feel the hot sun, I feel it burn,

My gloves shielding me from the dirt and my sun hat from the sun,

My mind races, and plunders over a sea of thoughts that race over me,

on this very hot, sun afternoon,

I think about business, university, life, death and love,

I think about clutter, uncluttering this garden,

untangling the yard and my thoughts at the same time,

I can not change my situation in one afternoon,

but I can change how I think and feel, and react,

to the magical world I live in.

 

Do you have a place or activity that gives you space? A place that makes your big problems small? Do you enjoy gardening?

what I am grateful for today

1. that after two early nights I am feeling more on the level.
2. I am greatful that I understnad the importance of resting
3. That I have some time to myself to do things like weeding and spending time in the garden.
4. That I am able to take some time to watch some cartoons that I have not had the chance to watch.
5. That my room is cleaner than it has been in a long time
6. that there is lots going on in melbourne that I can be a part of
7. That my friend circle is growing and there are more happy people in my life.

dreaming

no… well rarely, but I want to dream, the idea of dreaming is exciting

I was in a forest, the trees around me so vivid. A lady yelling, standing tall, holding a sharp pare of scissors, a few other people stand nearby, the yelling continues, then she stabs herself and blood staines the lovely fabric of her dress… and then I wake up.

I had a dream today…

 

I don’t remember my dreams, but the other day I did. I could vividly remember being in a forest and the intense and abstract events that followed. I like the idea of dreaming and  have read a few ways to induce dreaming. I am excited to give each of them a go. Fill the pages of my dream journal that is currently untouched.

Thoughts on a Friday afternoon

Title: not worth it

I hope everything of yours is gone. You gross me out. I feel bad that I let you into my life, but now I have stripped back everything you touched and thrown it in to be washed. Including myself. Scrubbing away, until I do not feel your presents again.

Title: Reading nook

I am proud of my books, all lined up neatly along my window nook. Books from my travels, books I have reread, books on my list to read. But now with technology, my books are becoming obsolete. Ebooks are easy and I can always take it with me. I will cherish my time I had spent with my books, and will continue to read them and more. The future is now.

Title: 1969

I am transported back to a time where things seemed a bit more free and easily.

The thriving see life of the tropics. In all its beauty be cast of as cheap in the right light.

I sit back at a friends place and complain about how the world has passed me by, drongos following me around, making my wallet run dry.

I am tired trying to look collected in my shades.

I want to be free follow the coastline, feel the waves beneath my dingy.

The sand so calm, the stepping back onto land after a long boat ride.

I feel alive. Life is simple away from the masses.

There is no one around to help, but also no one around to hinder.

A little girl below the jetty, pretty and blonde, I wonder what her name is I wonder what she is doing down there.

In time I think things will reveal themselves.

But for now I need some time on my own, in a room of ones own.

This place is a mess, I need to clean it out before I undress.

My dog sniffs out trouble, but I am thinking elsewhere.

The sea so blue in the background, makes me feel small.

This is not a bad thing I must understand, it is there to help me deal with my thoughts, turn my big head into something small.

Title: done with purpose.

Easier to write than to do.

For in my thoughts I can make anything happen.

I can make the sky turn blue, bring me to you.

I can make my homework done in a flash, And my past and future rewrite itself.

But I do not feel the accomplishment I would feel if I had done it for real,

Maybe I am just not imagining hard enough.

Title: The back of my mind

Trapped in my mind. I wanted to see what was inside, really dig deep and see what I hide. But now that I am here the door has closed the water filling in. I am washed away into a part that I am not familiar with. I know it is me, but now I begin to wonder. So deep in my thoughts I have travelled. Now trying to find my way out. Colours rich and glowing, blues and greens, thick jungle surronds me, I have not been this far before, and I am beginning to scare myself. These thoughts are so primal, so exotic, so forgine to me. But here they are they must be mine. I am told we only use 10% of our brain, I feel as though I have travelled deeper than that, thick sludge around my feel. In my mind, somehow I am not alone.

Searching

my pathetic self. I am suck writing books looking for an answer within myslef asn I cant seem to find it outside of me. and in many ways this searching is is just a way to make me feel better about my excisitance. But I believe there is more deep down I believe there is more and I will search for it high and low, inside and out. To find what I am looking for.

How deep can I go inside my mind? This is a question I keep asking myself I feel like I am rowing a boat on a lake that is my consciousness. And below is the unknown. I can see my reflection and a little into the water were the sun is shining. But any deeper is a mystery. I want to explore it but it makes me nervous. What is down there? will it be dangerous? and can I come out safe if I decide I have had enough?

None of these questions will be answered unless I take the dive and look in. maybe I will wear some scoober gear to protect me. Or give myself a safety word so that I can leave if I get stuck. how about “bent on love” shall me my safety fraise as I am unlikely to use it when I type on here. okay so that makes me feel a little more comfortable. I look around the raft and see that there is not much here. All really dry as it has all been sitting in the sun all day. But there is nothing hear except a book of random words. I tuck it under my arm and fall backwards into the water. I splash into it and feel a shock of the cold water crowding around me. It feels heavy. Like a goo. I straighten myself up by using my hands and legs to paddle. I do not feel a shortness in breath at all. It is like this goop is allowing me to, well not breath, but not needing to breath. I felt it fill up my nostrals when I dived in.

I will explore further I will keep on searching….