will it hurt?

I can’t help myself, I love it, the attention when you say my name,

But now I can’t think of what to say next, what to write to you tonight,

My hair is a mess, and I can feel a little stress,

You say that you like those shows, do you have a favourite?

I could give you recommendations for other things,

but I don’t want to shove things down your throat, or do I?

A message from you was a real big surpise, I did not expect to hear from you,

We only spoke briefly and gave you my details,

You seemed nice when I patted your dog,

I liked sitting by the river under that tree,

With magpies dancing from branch to branch,

The sunlight shining through the leaves,

My warm skin under my skirt,

New love, will it hurt?

Still here

Alone on this stupid rock, I trace a path back,

Follow the bread crumbs and try to find,

Find where I lost myself so terribly bad,

To that demon that wanted everything I had,

I will walk my own path next, I will not follow,

I make the rules and I will not bend,

This is my path to take, absorbing some self control

again again again

I wont ever see the same people again.

No need to wait or hold the door. What for?

I will not see these faces again.

I want to stay here happy in my own skin, not worried if our paths will cross again, because they wont.

Not with you not with anyone, and I can be myself  because if I be silly no one will know.

I can run jump, paint and draw, as I am only walking forward in this journey no time to stop for you.

Our paths may cross for reasons unintended.

A happy moment and a wave goodbye from me and my body.

I won’t ever see these same people again

Find a user

An empty heart with a picture of you within.

I feel my heart is somehow infatuated with you.

You were not even a blimp on the radar when you first started talking to me.

But somehow you laid roots deep in my heart, and then you decided when that plant had blossomed and grown to just rip it out because you thing it was not in the right spot.

Now my heart is disturbed, in chaos, a big hole right to the center were my connection with you was.

Can’t we go back to page one and do it all over again?

love blossoming between “just friends”,

I like thinking what could be,

lift my spirits up again and again,

not telling it all, but finding little bits about you,

I feel so loved when you write to me,

Nothing can hurt me,

except maybe you on the last page of this story.

letters unsent

I find good therapy for me and the best way to deal with a difficult time is to write a letter that I will not send. No one is hurt, and gives me time to reflect and heal.Is there answers from someone that you never got? Or is there something you wanted to get of your chest to someone but never did?

Dear T,

 

I am upset, I really liked you and felt you felt the same way.

that day and night we spent together. I could say I was not myself, and did not express the way I wanted to. Maybe I was as nervous as you were, but you just didn’t see it. I had a lot to say to you and ask you. but said the wrong things, wore clothing that I don’t normally wear. and was really timid.

I think the drive down and a few busy days before hand turned me into a passive zombie. Not really myself, something I would normally stay at home and hid way for a day to recover.

I would like to know,

did meeting me unvail the illusion?

I said to myself I would take sometime assess how I feel and write back to you in a few weeks with a clear head.

I thought you might write back, but you have not. So I thought I would send this email to clear things up for me. In that time I was able to reflect on myself. and no I cannot say after that first meeting I was happy where it was headed. Only because I had things I had not dealt with yet and needed time by myself to do so.

To say that you have made up your mind, had a good time but. I think the thing that bugged me was your email it was not a proper answer.

one of the sacriest things with getting to know someone knew is thinking can I be myself around them. If the answer is no, then why? and if the answer is still no. then they are not for you.

 

Your friend and always smiling,

 

Lily

 

Trying to write an email to a friend

Dear S,

A holiday sounds exciting! from our recent chats it seems like you need and crave getting out of that city.

Study to be done, and holiday to plan, It sounds stressful and exciting at the same time.

P is a good spot to see the urban sprawl. P has many calafornia bungalow houses that look amazing when to walk down streets lined with them. And a short tram ride towards the city will take you to what I think is the best of Melbourne’s urban culture. It all awaits to open up before you.

Or staying it the city opens up other options. I’ll let you find them yourself. hehe 🙂 whatever you choose I am sure it will be great!

Looking forward to hearing about your thoughts, plans and adventures.

 

Your friend and always smiling,

 

Lily

myer briggs test

I remember a few years ago we took the test at work as sort of a team building exercise.

I can not remember the results I got, but remember everyone was surprised that I got a very extroverted result, when I was very quiet at work (usually hungover shhhh) heheh.

what do bloggers get? have you taken the test?

Always smiling,

Lily.

http://personalitygrowth.com/an-in-depth-look-behind-the-intj-stare/

image from google.

Stuck with my dark thoughts

Fuck this life, life is shit, I just want it to end. Why am I even here? Is this some big joke? I hate how stupid I am, and all the dumb things that I do, everyone else has sorted things out, but I am here just doing  and achieving nothing, working towards another broken dream.

I don’t want to leave this room there is nothing out there for me, everything I had is not broken, and it is all my fault. I am just a worm, and needy ever so needy, why cant I be the person everyone things I should be. You get close and I just cant take it any more I just want it all to end.

Unfinished

I feel I have not yet done anything I wanted to achieve, the empty feeling creeping into my day after 10am, slowly pulling me down, that happy face, filled with bad thoughts and a frown.

Is there only room in my life for one? I have been happy with two before, but that was only momentary. When we got close things started to get hairy, scary and you pushed away.

I, myself push outwards, expanding searching for new ways to do things make things happen, but so often I feel myself fall short and fail. Too many times I have failed, an very little I have made work well. Maybe one day I will be happy and find my true self.

My phone keeps ringing with faces I don’t like. I am grateful that people want my attention as I do like receiving attention, but it seems to be coming from all the wrong people, everyone I care for has found peace without me, and everyone one else want s a piece to take and not give.

My hair falling around my face as I lay down to read a book, I need to read, take my mind of things for a while, what I really need is you, your hips and a good bonk. But that is not the way it is forever starting anew, 1000 more days without you.

Cool feeling on my neck, no socks. I have developed a love for the cold, to be in it, to calm to heated heart and frazzled mind. They cold is the only thing I can do without damaging myself in some unspeakable heartbroken way.

How am I supposed to feel?  The love I felt, for you was never real. Wounds I pick at, and angry flames grow higher and it is all a mess. How am I supposed to feel. When nothing I have done has made me feel tall, Jack yourself in, write a story, Numb yourself out, there is more than one way out, How am I supposed to feel…