You know my name…

I wrote this piece after watching a talk from Stephen King,  thinking what it would be like for an annoymus blogger to be found out, would they be happy that there secerate is revealed, how would they deal with it. 

I pase around an art gallery soaking up the artworks it is such a love gallery. The white walls hung with pieces from local artist. Standing next to a man, I say just an general chatter “ In the wild the artwork is already there” I smile, and the man smiles back. And he looks at the work and back at me.

“Are you Lily Plum? “ The man asks

My heart sinks, my online escapades collide with real life, and now every secrete that I have revealed about myself in a safe private setting was open and connected to me.  I struggle to say something, and then just back away, I didn’t know what to say.

“ you are arn’t you!” the man said walking with me as I make my way hastely from art work to artwork trying to keep my cool. “ wow I have read all your stuff, well not all of it, did you really mean that in Come Colser Darling! ?” The mans eyes on mine.

I know he was just being friendly, but this came as a complete shock, and I was unprepared to deal with it. Within less then five minutes I had gone from feeling compeltly free in this city I loved to wondering who else will know me.

“ thank you, I must be leaving” I say and quickly exit the gallery making haste so that he does not have time to follow. I walk the street, it is busy out here on the street and many people pasing by. I get lost in a sea of people my mind spining.

I rush into a restaurant.

Oder and watch people, I say something and the waiter leaves and heads to the kitchen

A few minutes later the owner comes out at says  “Miss Plum the order is on the house. “

What did I say, I had to think. This smiling man looking at me. Shit, shit, shit.

I sit there enjoying my meal, it was really nice. But at the same time I could feel eyes on me.

I sat there and tried to collect my thoughts, this is how I talk, this is how I write. I am both me in real life and me typing behind a pseudonym. Faulse name or  not, I cannot hide myself or detatch from  my online persona. We are one and the same now.

Unfinished

I feel I have not yet done anything I wanted to achieve, the empty feeling creeping into my day after 10am, slowly pulling me down, that happy face, filled with bad thoughts and a frown.

Is there only room in my life for one? I have been happy with two before, but that was only momentary. When we got close things started to get hairy, scary and you pushed away.

I, myself push outwards, expanding searching for new ways to do things make things happen, but so often I feel myself fall short and fail. Too many times I have failed, an very little I have made work well. Maybe one day I will be happy and find my true self.

My phone keeps ringing with faces I don’t like. I am grateful that people want my attention as I do like receiving attention, but it seems to be coming from all the wrong people, everyone I care for has found peace without me, and everyone one else want s a piece to take and not give.

My hair falling around my face as I lay down to read a book, I need to read, take my mind of things for a while, what I really need is you, your hips and a good bonk. But that is not the way it is forever starting anew, 1000 more days without you.

Cool feeling on my neck, no socks. I have developed a love for the cold, to be in it, to calm to heated heart and frazzled mind. They cold is the only thing I can do without damaging myself in some unspeakable heartbroken way.

How am I supposed to feel?  The love I felt, for you was never real. Wounds I pick at, and angry flames grow higher and it is all a mess. How am I supposed to feel. When nothing I have done has made me feel tall, Jack yourself in, write a story, Numb yourself out, there is more than one way out, How am I supposed to feel…