will it hurt?

I can’t help myself, I love it, the attention when you say my name,

But now I can’t think of what to say next, what to write to you tonight,

My hair is a mess, and I can feel a little stress,

You say that you like those shows, do you have a favourite?

I could give you recommendations for other things,

but I don’t want to shove things down your throat, or do I?

A message from you was a real big surpise, I did not expect to hear from you,

We only spoke briefly and gave you my details,

You seemed nice when I patted your dog,

I liked sitting by the river under that tree,

With magpies dancing from branch to branch,

The sunlight shining through the leaves,

My warm skin under my skirt,

New love, will it hurt?

Still here

Alone on this stupid rock, I trace a path back,

Follow the bread crumbs and try to find,

Find where I lost myself so terribly bad,

To that demon that wanted everything I had,

I will walk my own path next, I will not follow,

I make the rules and I will not bend,

This is my path to take, absorbing some self control

Can’t we go back to page one and do it all over again?

love blossoming between “just friends”,

I like thinking what could be,

lift my spirits up again and again,

not telling it all, but finding little bits about you,

I feel so loved when you write to me,

Nothing can hurt me,

except maybe you on the last page of this story.

Unfinished

I feel I have not yet done anything I wanted to achieve, the empty feeling creeping into my day after 10am, slowly pulling me down, that happy face, filled with bad thoughts and a frown.

Is there only room in my life for one? I have been happy with two before, but that was only momentary. When we got close things started to get hairy, scary and you pushed away.

I, myself push outwards, expanding searching for new ways to do things make things happen, but so often I feel myself fall short and fail. Too many times I have failed, an very little I have made work well. Maybe one day I will be happy and find my true self.

My phone keeps ringing with faces I don’t like. I am grateful that people want my attention as I do like receiving attention, but it seems to be coming from all the wrong people, everyone I care for has found peace without me, and everyone one else want s a piece to take and not give.

My hair falling around my face as I lay down to read a book, I need to read, take my mind of things for a while, what I really need is you, your hips and a good bonk. But that is not the way it is forever starting anew, 1000 more days without you.

Cool feeling on my neck, no socks. I have developed a love for the cold, to be in it, to calm to heated heart and frazzled mind. They cold is the only thing I can do without damaging myself in some unspeakable heartbroken way.

How am I supposed to feel?  The love I felt, for you was never real. Wounds I pick at, and angry flames grow higher and it is all a mess. How am I supposed to feel. When nothing I have done has made me feel tall, Jack yourself in, write a story, Numb yourself out, there is more than one way out, How am I supposed to feel…

Clean up

I wake up and nothing feels right,

Am I wasting my time?

Am I getting anywhere,

I need to sort, keep myself busy,

Find out what is and what is not,

Clothes, art supplies, gifts, and the rest,

I have so many papers,  time gone by,

Finding all the things that I have half finished,

All those memories and exciting times,

I don’t know why I could not finish things,

Just an excited kid,

Maybe I am just a negative creep,

Maybe I am coming across as negative, so I apologies,

Should I be doing more,

Is what I am doing right?

Questions without answers flood my head,

Was it my fault, or just not my time,

A learning experience that hurt so bad,

Clean up, pack up,

All these memories have to go.