letters unsent

I find good therapy for me and the best way to deal with a difficult time is to write a letter that I will not send. No one is hurt, and gives me time to reflect and heal.Is there answers from someone that you never got? Or is there something you wanted to get of your chest to someone but never did?

Dear T,

 

I am upset, I really liked you and felt you felt the same way.

that day and night we spent together. I could say I was not myself, and did not express the way I wanted to. Maybe I was as nervous as you were, but you just didn’t see it. I had a lot to say to you and ask you. but said the wrong things, wore clothing that I don’t normally wear. and was really timid.

I think the drive down and a few busy days before hand turned me into a passive zombie. Not really myself, something I would normally stay at home and hid way for a day to recover.

I would like to know,

did meeting me unvail the illusion?

I said to myself I would take sometime assess how I feel and write back to you in a few weeks with a clear head.

I thought you might write back, but you have not. So I thought I would send this email to clear things up for me. In that time I was able to reflect on myself. and no I cannot say after that first meeting I was happy where it was headed. Only because I had things I had not dealt with yet and needed time by myself to do so.

To say that you have made up your mind, had a good time but. I think the thing that bugged me was your email it was not a proper answer.

one of the sacriest things with getting to know someone knew is thinking can I be myself around them. If the answer is no, then why? and if the answer is still no. then they are not for you.

 

Your friend and always smiling,

 

Lily

 

Stuck with my dark thoughts

Fuck this life, life is shit, I just want it to end. Why am I even here? Is this some big joke? I hate how stupid I am, and all the dumb things that I do, everyone else has sorted things out, but I am here just doing  and achieving nothing, working towards another broken dream.

I don’t want to leave this room there is nothing out there for me, everything I had is not broken, and it is all my fault. I am just a worm, and needy ever so needy, why cant I be the person everyone things I should be. You get close and I just cant take it any more I just want it all to end.

Unfinished

I feel I have not yet done anything I wanted to achieve, the empty feeling creeping into my day after 10am, slowly pulling me down, that happy face, filled with bad thoughts and a frown.

Is there only room in my life for one? I have been happy with two before, but that was only momentary. When we got close things started to get hairy, scary and you pushed away.

I, myself push outwards, expanding searching for new ways to do things make things happen, but so often I feel myself fall short and fail. Too many times I have failed, an very little I have made work well. Maybe one day I will be happy and find my true self.

My phone keeps ringing with faces I don’t like. I am grateful that people want my attention as I do like receiving attention, but it seems to be coming from all the wrong people, everyone I care for has found peace without me, and everyone one else want s a piece to take and not give.

My hair falling around my face as I lay down to read a book, I need to read, take my mind of things for a while, what I really need is you, your hips and a good bonk. But that is not the way it is forever starting anew, 1000 more days without you.

Cool feeling on my neck, no socks. I have developed a love for the cold, to be in it, to calm to heated heart and frazzled mind. They cold is the only thing I can do without damaging myself in some unspeakable heartbroken way.

How am I supposed to feel?  The love I felt, for you was never real. Wounds I pick at, and angry flames grow higher and it is all a mess. How am I supposed to feel. When nothing I have done has made me feel tall, Jack yourself in, write a story, Numb yourself out, there is more than one way out, How am I supposed to feel…

I just want to be sad alone.

Here is a collection of sad poems and writings from over the past few months. I have opened my heart a little letting the sad feelings out. Enjoy!

Title: 82

Maybe I’m too young, We all are.

My granddad, He is a special man, and tells me

“don’t worry out about growing up, i still don’t know what i want to be”

funny and lovely, he is 82 today

time is running out,

maybe.

title:  Grandpa

You are getting on in life,

I visited you at the hospital,

My dad said you are interested in what I do, but we never really talk,

today is another day,

get well soon.

title: Origami heart

My heart is little more than thin bit of paper,

Bent and folded, fraying where you left a tear,

But I want to move on,

Folding my heart out, i want to make it fit,

To be beutiful and practical, bend and fit,

I love this idea, a creases on shiny paper,

Im tired now ill get to it later,
sit back and think,

Ideas make my wonder, probability makes me mad,

I should be happy, but problems are problems,

And I take on many, when my heart already feels the burden,

Sad on a tuesday,  I’m bent, folded away into nothing,

Resuscitate me into an origami piece healthy, hiding the tears,

Make this sad page okay

Title: At the mercy

My thyroid, holding my throat,slowly cloaking me

Breathing through my nose, to not absorb smoke,

Symptoms and feelings:  nervousness, tremors, pain in throat, depression,

Title: Front row seat

I sit here, somewhere out there yonder in the ether,

Obscure, but finding comfort and excitement in something new,

My blue heart, brought me here,

The rest is unclear, but the idea of you and this,

Tears don’t fall down in space,

I love.

Title: time on your hands

Uplifting, but I want to be down,

Do you have time to stick around,

I want to be alone with my thoughts,

But want you ready when I am

Title: light switch

Turn down the light,

I find it awfully bright,

my eyes are tired my mind to.

Let them both be, and I’ll smile onto you.

Title: Drowning  without water

I hurt out here in space,

A space without you, head ringing, closing my eyes

Its like everything we have ever done, I have ever done screaming in my head,

I am alone, physically, but surrounded by 25 years of memories,

Running deep in every direction, Like a sea, fighting hard to stay afloat,

Eyes open, Its gone, and I am alone.

Title: washing powder

What a mess, I want to scream, get out, get lost,

I feel dirty, shower myself, hose this place,

Spit out the sickness that is building up sitting here.

title: Heartbreak in Spring.

It hurts me know, that text you sent,

I have pined for you so long, and though of you throughout my day,

I’ll walk alone in the warm summer air,

In such contrast to how I feel,

when you said

you were meeting with a “friend”

title: Is it ever enough

I keep pushing upwards, getting things done,

My love for you, my work ,my friends, and nature,

I feel the weight of it all, have I come far at all?

and I ask myself, Is it ever enough?

title: My heat breaks as easy as yours

I absorb the words you tell me and I feel it in my heart, that lonely feeling replaced with pain, with the words that you say to me. While I was sleeping you were fucking someone else. And it hurts me, as I felt that we were n the same level, taking things slow. But you don’t feel the same way about me. And in many ways I would have done the same to you. I do not feel any sadness if I would find myself with another lover.

title: only happy when I am sick

Migraine, back ache, sore throat, hayfeaver, sunstroke

I turn off from the world and go into recovery mode, guilt free

the only time i truly respect me, my body, my mind and my emotions,

people don’t enjoy being sick, but somehow I find comfort in it

happily sick.

title: still Awake

I need go rest, I need to lounge,

my body is not as enthusiastic as my mind,

sunburnt, tired, saw feet, running on empty

If you want to see me at my best, let me sleep,

don’t get mad, let me rest

title: Mary’s Poem

Another rose this year,

sweating in my suit, on this warm sunny day,

the end really scares me,

Those I look up to,

covered in tears.

Monday sweats.

Title: Mimosa

You seem so much older than me,  yet you look 26

You have studied arts, and animal science,

Yet you are very kind. I don’t know how long that will last,

I get nervous and say silly things,

how I react around some, and feel so comfortable around others,

lets just call this practice, and see where it leads,

I know you are good for me, I hope we get along, and bond

Title: Ankle  pains

Homework straight after school, Work to be done,

I know I have to do it, but I just want to shower and lie in my bed for fun,

It will be good for me, and I feel I know it too,

But right now my energies are low, and my heart is beating slow,

I am angry at my desk, chair, hands and ankles, they all annoy me, my tired mind.

Siesta maybe?

Title: lyrics

This track is not broken enough for me,

I revel in the pain of a heavy heart,

is this sick, is this wallowing? Is this bad for my health?

I don’t care, I want more, I want to feel the sadness fill me, and spread,

A pain in my chest to match my head,

Sit alone with my thoughts, and when it ends,

Press repeat.

Title: summer sitting

Hidden curl,  a secrete I find in you,

Running my fingers through you hair, eyes alive, stare,

Lyrics in the background, garden contrast with your hair,

Freckles on your chest, Its these moments with you I like best,

Title:Pain in my chest

Scared with my blue heart, heavy stone,

Tear out all the vessels and ropes that hold it up,

Let it fall, the pain hurts more than I can say,