out in the garden

I like to spend time out in my garden, mowing the laws, weeding the plants and playing with my dog. I feel I can think when I am out there, I can breath, and also I feel as though whatever was bothering me seem to shrink.

Out there between to ferns,

I feel the hot sun, I feel it burn,

My gloves shielding me from the dirt and my sun hat from the sun,

My mind races, and plunders over a sea of thoughts that race over me,

on this very hot, sun afternoon,

I think about business, university, life, death and love,

I think about clutter, uncluttering this garden,

untangling the yard and my thoughts at the same time,

I can not change my situation in one afternoon,

but I can change how I think and feel, and react,

to the magical world I live in.

 

Do you have a place or activity that gives you space? A place that makes your big problems small? Do you enjoy gardening?

seated under a tree

I have sat down on the edge of a hill under an overhanging tree, the leaves sway in the breeze as I write this, pondering in the shade.

Title:

Moving out feels akward. As I still have a life here. But my bed is too bulky to move on my own. If I am to shift it I will have to do it with a bigger car and a second pare of hands. But if I do this today that means I have no where to sleep for the next two days. If I thought this through better I would have kept my yoga mats here that way I could have used them as bedding for the next two days. I should remember that next time. I wish my matress was lighter and could bend more easily. Then moving house would not have been such a chore.

Title:

Sometimes I feel so self confident. And then once I start showing down, I crave the attention of the opposite sex. I need a message, a chat to let me know I am still worth something. But how do I fix this self doubt and lonesomeness? Get back on the work wagon, do the things I love and make it happen.

Title:

Now that the school year is over I have time to think. And I think to myself, what did I do all of that year? I studied most of it. Worked every day off and some days clashed. I went through a few partners, one was around for the most part. Hiked around a mountain, went to a week long hippie festival. But at the same time it does not seem like a lot. As though being caught up in it all I actually missed out on a lot more. And did not see even more. For some strange reason I feel as though my foggy head was due to a carb overload making life a little bit more complicated in my head. But maybe this is just how fast a year goes. Which is kind of scary. As though that is a year gone in a blink. One down 60 more left. A sad and scary thought. That one day it will all be over.

Saturday night

Title: Just out of school

It may not be the best time right now. But I never delt with the death of a school friend that got sucked into a machine at a box factory shortly after we left school. My mind was somewhere else, and I new about it but never really understood that there whole life had just ended. And all that I and many others have done they did not get to experience any of it. It is sad and I am feeling it now.

Maybe it is my tired eyes, maybe it is the punch drink I had in the backyard of a friends place. Maybe it is that I have been reflecting a lot lately. Maybe it is my diet making me emotional. Whatever it is. I feel it now, the sadness I never understood.

I just want to be sad alone.

Here is a collection of sad poems and writings from over the past few months. I have opened my heart a little letting the sad feelings out. Enjoy!

Title: 82

Maybe I’m too young, We all are.

My granddad, He is a special man, and tells me

“don’t worry out about growing up, i still don’t know what i want to be”

funny and lovely, he is 82 today

time is running out,

maybe.

title:  Grandpa

You are getting on in life,

I visited you at the hospital,

My dad said you are interested in what I do, but we never really talk,

today is another day,

get well soon.

title: Origami heart

My heart is little more than thin bit of paper,

Bent and folded, fraying where you left a tear,

But I want to move on,

Folding my heart out, i want to make it fit,

To be beutiful and practical, bend and fit,

I love this idea, a creases on shiny paper,

Im tired now ill get to it later,
sit back and think,

Ideas make my wonder, probability makes me mad,

I should be happy, but problems are problems,

And I take on many, when my heart already feels the burden,

Sad on a tuesday,  I’m bent, folded away into nothing,

Resuscitate me into an origami piece healthy, hiding the tears,

Make this sad page okay

Title: At the mercy

My thyroid, holding my throat,slowly cloaking me

Breathing through my nose, to not absorb smoke,

Symptoms and feelings:  nervousness, tremors, pain in throat, depression,

Title: Front row seat

I sit here, somewhere out there yonder in the ether,

Obscure, but finding comfort and excitement in something new,

My blue heart, brought me here,

The rest is unclear, but the idea of you and this,

Tears don’t fall down in space,

I love.

Title: time on your hands

Uplifting, but I want to be down,

Do you have time to stick around,

I want to be alone with my thoughts,

But want you ready when I am

Title: light switch

Turn down the light,

I find it awfully bright,

my eyes are tired my mind to.

Let them both be, and I’ll smile onto you.

Title: Drowning  without water

I hurt out here in space,

A space without you, head ringing, closing my eyes

Its like everything we have ever done, I have ever done screaming in my head,

I am alone, physically, but surrounded by 25 years of memories,

Running deep in every direction, Like a sea, fighting hard to stay afloat,

Eyes open, Its gone, and I am alone.

Title: washing powder

What a mess, I want to scream, get out, get lost,

I feel dirty, shower myself, hose this place,

Spit out the sickness that is building up sitting here.

title: Heartbreak in Spring.

It hurts me know, that text you sent,

I have pined for you so long, and though of you throughout my day,

I’ll walk alone in the warm summer air,

In such contrast to how I feel,

when you said

you were meeting with a “friend”

title: Is it ever enough

I keep pushing upwards, getting things done,

My love for you, my work ,my friends, and nature,

I feel the weight of it all, have I come far at all?

and I ask myself, Is it ever enough?

title: My heat breaks as easy as yours

I absorb the words you tell me and I feel it in my heart, that lonely feeling replaced with pain, with the words that you say to me. While I was sleeping you were fucking someone else. And it hurts me, as I felt that we were n the same level, taking things slow. But you don’t feel the same way about me. And in many ways I would have done the same to you. I do not feel any sadness if I would find myself with another lover.

title: only happy when I am sick

Migraine, back ache, sore throat, hayfeaver, sunstroke

I turn off from the world and go into recovery mode, guilt free

the only time i truly respect me, my body, my mind and my emotions,

people don’t enjoy being sick, but somehow I find comfort in it

happily sick.

title: still Awake

I need go rest, I need to lounge,

my body is not as enthusiastic as my mind,

sunburnt, tired, saw feet, running on empty

If you want to see me at my best, let me sleep,

don’t get mad, let me rest

title: Mary’s Poem

Another rose this year,

sweating in my suit, on this warm sunny day,

the end really scares me,

Those I look up to,

covered in tears.