I woke up with the sun streaming in. I felt dirty as I had not showered the day before, cooped up in my room doing the mound of homework I had due. But I feel a lot more comfortable now with my position and the work that I have done.
I need to clean myself up, I feel the filth of two day. And this room is a mess. Sweeping everything of my desk into the trash, I then take the trash can and place it just outside my apartment. I shower, wash it all way, and dry myself off, feel all the weight that had built up on me for the past few days slide away.
I feel that in life you have to work on things for a while to get them right, and always do them earlier than when you would want them.
my pathetic self. I am suck writing books looking for an answer within myslef asn I cant seem to find it outside of me. and in many ways this searching is is just a way to make me feel better about my excisitance. But I believe there is more deep down I believe there is more and I will search for it high and low, inside and out. To find what I am looking for.
How deep can I go inside my mind? This is a question I keep asking myself I feel like I am rowing a boat on a lake that is my consciousness. And below is the unknown. I can see my reflection and a little into the water were the sun is shining. But any deeper is a mystery. I want to explore it but it makes me nervous. What is down there? will it be dangerous? and can I come out safe if I decide I have had enough?
None of these questions will be answered unless I take the dive and look in. maybe I will wear some scoober gear to protect me. Or give myself a safety word so that I can leave if I get stuck. how about “bent on love” shall me my safety fraise as I am unlikely to use it when I type on here. okay so that makes me feel a little more comfortable. I look around the raft and see that there is not much here. All really dry as it has all been sitting in the sun all day. But there is nothing hear except a book of random words. I tuck it under my arm and fall backwards into the water. I splash into it and feel a shock of the cold water crowding around me. It feels heavy. Like a goo. I straighten myself up by using my hands and legs to paddle. I do not feel a shortness in breath at all. It is like this goop is allowing me to, well not breath, but not needing to breath. I felt it fill up my nostrals when I dived in.
I will explore further I will keep on searching….
It is sunny outside, the heat makes me feel good and want to be active and do things with my day. I feel good because I have done many drawings and I am ready to submit my assignment. I have a swig of wine as I want a little buzz going when I walk out the door. I get cleaned up, smiling at myself as I brush my teeth. Getting all those yellow stains off. My teeth look so white in my reflection, I enjoy observing them.
The sun through the window warms my face. I put on my sunnies and Head out the front door, down the stairs. People are waiting at the bottom of the steps, I think they are friendly but I am wrong, they want my jacket. I get punched in the gut, and a whack across the face. and I fall down was they take it from me. I am tasting dust and dirt from the concret. I lay there for a while. In shock. But then I pull myslef up straighten up my shirt and dust myslef down. Still ready for the day!
It is the curvature that is effecting me, the curvature of my spine and the curves of your body,
one so abundant in life, the other withered and frail.
I like the sway of those hips. you asked me to bed you on more than one occasion. but that is not the way to my heart or yours.
I think i could travel the world, and if you let me, with a little bit of money, take you with me.
I wonder what will be in that book, the blurb and cover excite me, but i have not had the chance to open the cover, look on in and have my mind sucked into the pages, not to return to my body until I turn the last page over. This is how I feel when I think about reading this were books take me. an out of body experience, and I love it, it is such a rush! it makes me smile, makes me sad, makes me ponder, but always leaves me wanting more.
Hide away, I don’t want to be seen, look away take a turn that will take me further from interaction, I don’t want to think I don’t want to make myself know I want to hide away on a day like today. there are so many things that I can see that i want but I will walk around them and walk away as I don’t know what to do or how to maintain it, I am ever so alone and empty inside, I feel the cold sweat of loneliness crowding in on me and I think this may be the end there is no way up and I keep sinking, I want to sink I want to feel pain and I want to be alone. I want to be left alone never to be thought of again, for the earth to swallow me up and to not let me back out, I reach out a beg for nothing to come of me. for me to become the emptiness inyour heart and the feeling that you made me feel. I am gone, and I am blaming you.
Love is a river, Sharing is a raft,
I float on over to you, and offer my hand,
we both smile, and lay back closing eyes,
We float and drift, feeling it all,
We can get off and join the land,
or we can just float on down stream,
float on down the river of love.
I had a revelation today, there is only you and me in this word. Me and you with your many personalities and faces and millions of lives each one a choice of yours that I have to respect, envy, hate, and condemn.
from that I think I can open my heart more to love everyone as though I am loving you. To let them in, because wherever I am and whomever I am with I will be with you.
Your heart there and mine beside you.
There are many ways to peel an orange,
And even more ways to make you happy,
Thinking of all the ways to love you,
But it is up to you to say a “yes’
and “I do”.