hiding away from it all

today I hide away from everything, left my phone ringing in a draw,
no hugs to give no words of wisdom to say, I will keep it all at bay,
I need time to myself time to sit think explore, unaffected by it all,
I will open the door when I am ready, let love flow in,
but right now I am happy learning, reading books and drinking in the bath.

pub smiles

 

All these thoughts that I have, filling my mind throughout the day, building up,

I want to be free of all of these thoughts, I want to turn the tap and drain them all away,

I step on into the rain and head north to Brunswick st, jacket soaking I step inside a pub on the corner,

I walk on through, making my way to the bar to grab a drink, look around, what now,

I feel waves of nervousness flow over me, but then that settles and I rest my elbows on the bar,

breath in the evening light, the chatter all around, I am happy to be sourrounded my faces,

I make small talk with people as the move about the room around me,
This simple chaos to wash away all the order and accuracy that has filled my day.

apple eater

Once upon a grey but cheery morning I ate an apple,

oh my it was so very very tasty! I felt overwhelmed,

I then wanted to feast on another apple,

I gobbled it down quickly, as though I could not stop,

But now I had eaten both of my apples and felt sad,

sad because I was too full,

sad because it was giving me indigestion,

and now I had no more apples to be happy about,

I sat there in despair, what have I done!

how could I be so careless,

Seeing my despairing face a humanoid approached me,

pulling a shiny red apple from its bag and offering it to me,

I said thank-you but declined,

“I am to careless to posses apples!” I say

The humanoid went on with its day,

And I now sat there with a smile,

knowing that apples and I were not meant to be.

awkward

 

Awkwardly I shudder as loud sex scenes, humping, grinding, I could almost smell the sweat of pale skin on pale skin. coming from the tv, my close family looking at me I can feel their eyes on the back on my head. It feels like I am caught with my genitals in my hands, with everyone to see, hot sticky mess. We all do it, sex that is, we all daydream. but right now it is just tv. Why does it make me blush?

warm hugs

 

little puppy sitting on my lap, I can feel his little heart beat and breath on my knee,

the warm hope, and love of everthing around me filling the smile in my chest,

big bright colours a smile from head to toe, I sit on a bench eating my lunch,

friends seat themselves around me, the table fills up quickly,

these lunches seem to last forever, all day in the sun,

as I walk back to class, I wont remember the day on the moment in the sun.

 

5pm

Waking up is fine, great, the best. sun seeping through and smile warms my face. But that does not hold up long, its from them and until the rest of the day that I am not sure about. I plan out my day filled with challenging things to fill my mind, well dressed organised, and I’ve done this so many times I am calm and collected, behind this facade. This is a slow bliss, I don’t want to end my mind occupied, so I can never feel sad.

and then it hits me hard and sharp, everyone i knew has gone home its getting late, and I dont have the brain power left to be funny, smart or even just smile a little. its too hard, I am alone. Its 5pm again. when the sun goes down I don’t know what to do with myself.  I am too brain dead from keeping my mind occupied all day. And not I want to let loose I want to be free from the nothing that life is currently offering me. Social Isolation is my cancer.

(no.2-100)

I want to be free from the nothing that life is currently offering me. Social Isolation is my cancer.

Walking up is fine, the best part, I am barely thinking just enjoying the sun seeping through my window. The morning heat warms my face, and a deep smile fills my belly.

But the happiness within me does not hold on tight enough and it is then until the rest of the day that it is slowly slipping away from me. I am unsure, I plan and plan, fill it with bits and pieces, challenge my mind. Be well dressed, organised, I have done this so many times. Hiding behind a collected facade. This slow bliss burns throughout the day, I don’t want it to end. My mind is so filled with things I have no room in my head to be sad.

And then things begin to wind down and I  hear “bye” and “catch tomorrow” being said back and forth throughout the office.

When the sun goes down I do not know what to do with myself. Elbow on desk, chin resting in the palm of my hand. I have been keeping my mind occupied all day, stringently completing task.  But now that the sun goes down and I want to let loose. Can I? Sitting there I look around.

And then like the knife that it is, hard and sharp. The realisation that everyone I knew has gone. Gone home, gone out, gone to the park, and I am standing there not knowing what to do with my sad sorry self.

It is getting late, daylight is running from me. I don’t have the brain power left to be funny, smart or even just smile, I linger for a while as I ponder what to do. I feel awkward and out of place, in someone else’s invisible space. I am alone, and it is 5pm again.

No.3-100

I sit alone eating a sandwich that I made last night, pre-empting my 5pm hunger. I sit and listen to the traffic, car by car, bump along. The buzzing, the road a hive. But why hurry I wont get anywhere fast. So I sit there and taste all the flavours I have prepared. I don’t know why but a 5pm sandwich taste better than any sandwich I have had.

Usually at this time sadness would be sinking in, a feeling that I have struggled with for a very long time. But I had to deal with it in my own way. mischiefs me! I wave goodbye as everyone slowly makes there away home. I smile, think of the world as funny and marvel at this time of the day 5pm again. I feel a little braindead from all the fussing about I had been doing earlier. Social. The joys of life this community and work is offering me.

I think back to this morning, when the sun rolled in and woke me up, I was hours away in Bendigo. Sleeping with a smile on my face. I could stay held up there all day. I plan out my day, pack a lunch, dress well, organise my things, as I do not know when I will be back. The slow blissful drive into Melbourne waking me up, starting my day. Calm collected behind shades. My mind begins to fill, I can never feel sad.

No.4-100

Sad, bad and mad. 5pm you wicked witch! I see you, I know you are there, but as soon as I foget about you you seem to creep up on me. You hit me hard and fast you are so sharp! Ugly gaule I don’t want you around. I want to stay and learn. I don’t want class to end, I don’t want to get tired, I want the sun to be there always. Maybe I can move to Scandinavia for a few months of the year when it is always sunny.

I am getting dissy from all the beer I have been drinking thoughout the day. My mind is playing games on me. I am happy here, walking in and out of lectures learning more than I should. I want to know it all I want to digest every history test. My mind on fire, fill my desire!. But now that the night is hear and I flip through pages of another pile of books just to absorb anything I could. My phone rings messages from the bar, come come dear friend come drink beers with us. It may be a birthday, it may be end of term or it may just be 5pm and we all don’t want to go home.

No.5-100

5pm. 5 o’clock. 1700 hours. Either way I know you are there. My mind a heavy haze afer filling it for so long, education is my drug of choice. Mixed with an afternoon beer and a moring coffee I am sailing high on a cocktail of knowledge.

I felt dissy this moring. Waking up in my girlfriends bed. She used to study fine art but now she sits at home. I have been there a few times, not knowing what to do with myself and just pulling the plug on things hoping something better will come along. Maybe it will. But for me it was in the form of “id rather be studying then working a job I hate”. Which worked out good for me.

I catch the train, swipe my ticket and step on in before the door closes. In this perfect rail way system I have no need for a car, except for  leasure. I watch as the sun comes up, warm light, I still feel the warm hugs of my girl from a night of silliness. Come at me day I will smile at everything you throw at me. I am glad, never any sadness.

The day shuffles on with every twist and turn, and I have a drink or two. Cheers to all the things I have learnt. And then 5pm comes my way and I sit and think, would I have it any other way? The sun does down and I step on the train. Right now I would be feeling sad if I didn’t make the effort to fill my head with glad.

I step off the train and meet my girl where she sits with other happy faces, who know how to just be.

(no.6-100)

I wake up sneezing, I don’t know why but I do sometimes. Maybe this house it too dusty or maybe I just had too much to drink last night and this is the reaction that I am having. Still better than a miagrain. I wake up in late moring, I planned to wake up earlier, but this is fine, great.

The sun seeping through my blinds. Light draping over my exposed chest. My hair flowing around me. I want this good feeling to hold up all day long, but I know it wont as I open my frist beer for the day. I drink it down the bubbling taste in my mouth. For some reason I think of my past relationships. How they had not lasted long. And then think of them as though I was a guide. Guiding them over troubled waters. Beautiful creatiures, their minds a mess, but somehow when we part they have found solas. And even though I will not get any credit for dragging them out of gloom and taking on all of their pain. Yes I do take on all of their pain. I don’t want to do that again as it always messes with my head. It is like I breath in all of their sadness, and fill their heart with every shred of my gladness. That trade we make in sex and hugs. The things I love, to be love, admired. But when I have nothing left to give and I am wanting them, that is when the relationship ends.

My mind wonders far and before to long the day is drawing to a close. I can’t go back, I can’t change things all I can do is hope that I learnt something from my 5 o’clock blues.

knocked up

You called to say you were pregnant, but I highly doubt it is mine,

I care for you and look after you, but a father, oh not I,

I don’t mind the idea of kids, I am sure I will still be lonely,

but things are what things are, decide what you will.

chilled out fun.

when trying to solve an unsolvable problem,

it is a good idea to look at history,

my history, the history of other minds,

 

tonight thinking with social anxiety, is that I do not know how to have fun,

to worried what everyone else is doing. well maybe I need to heal that regret,

just have some fun, the chilled out fun I never had by myself.