Blurry decisions

My heart hurts why would you not need me, is it my hair my smile, the way I can not think of the right things to say in social situations. I cried all night, after lunch with you. When you told me we should not be together. You set it up in a public place so I would not overreact, but I could not help it, When you got a job in Adelaide I moved there to be with you, I thought we were going to be together, I could see myself living with you, maybe get married, on a warm day in spring. You got a job in Canada, I was happy for you, I thought that was the news you were here to tell me about over lunch, I held your hand, you moved it away and grabbed a glass of water. You say that you are going to work there but you do not want me to come with you. This hurt so bad, I had moved to another city to be with you, at no point did I see any signs that you felt different about me from the day we met.

I say you are making a mistake but you tell me that your mind is made up and you are leaving Friday. We share an apartment together. You are the only person I know in this city all my friends and family live so far away. I have nowhere to turn to. You were a rock for me that I had been able to count on for the last 2 years. And now that was pulled from underneath me and I felt as though I was falling.

You left late in the evening, my makeup ruined after crying for so long. You open the door and close it behind you the room goes dark and I sit there in darkness. Emptiness closes in on me.

Days and weeks pass by I do not go into work. I buy a bottle of wine and drink it in my room. I go online on a dating website and invite boys over one  by one, the cum and go, I want to be hurt I want my body to feel the pain I feel in my heart and head.

Sometimes I make plans with people, caught up in the moment.

Fulfil my needs, get in between,

Then I’m done, I was just a bit of fun,

I don’t feel happy anymore, I just want to be alone,

A blurry decision, now clear.

I wake the next day, my hair a mess around my body. I see your text message, I care for you, but not feeling all of it. You only want me because you are alone now, well so am I but I’d rather not spend it with you, you hurt me.


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